Another strange night of looking at the clock, dreaming, forgetting, and getting out of bed at 630 am with a feeling of being refreshed.
The first thing i notice as i prepare for the day is the lightness in my chest and entire body. I've been in and out of it, yet this is the first time it feels like it won't go away. I jump into a chair, and become still, to see what comes up. I can feel my heart beating, not physically but energetically. It's no different than it has been in the past week, but i'm more aware of it, because it feels like it's not beating alone but with something. I can't put my finger on it, only describe an idea that it is beating in synch with all of life, and the whole universe. It feels crazy to write about it, but I'm really writing it for myself; only Akemi reads it, i'm sure, because she's such a great wife. What if someone else reads this? I've bared more than my soul in these posts. It doesn't even matter. If you read to this point, you must be on the same page with your own experience. You are serving our universe, never fear, find the heart, and don't stop! What's great about saying this is that i know you didn't even need to hear it. You're already doing it.
Something else occurs this morning, when i try to meditate: I don't want to close my eyes because it's as though i will miss something. I often don't close my eyes anyway, making it more difficult to find empty mind, because overcoming difficulty was the idea. But now that's changed. Opening the eyes is the obvious metaphor. How do we awaken? We open our eyes. How do we stay awakened? We keep the eyes open.
Why do we capitalize "I" but not "we"? Shouldn't it be the other way around?
I wonder if I'm alone. I recall Janak's response to my blathering letter about how I was "transforming," and about how grateful I am that he was there. Expecting his typical kind, thoughtful, and enlightened response, he wrote :). That's it, just :). Dorothy responded to a similar letter___, just___ . No response. I sent these letters just 3 days ago.
I look and I see that every response or non-response, every whack or loving reply, can pull me deeper. It's all one experience, if I keep the eyes open and really see. I never thought I could fix something with a book, again, but it's not just Adya's book, it's the entire cosmos collaborating to deliver a message that happened to be written on some pages, at the right time and in the right context. Don't you see it? When you look at all of it, everything fits together perfectly. Yet, it's still a work in progress, and even that is perfect. The beauty of it is that I'm no longer the one doing the work. Yes!
My connection with the Great Heart feels like it won't go away because it is suddenly unsupported. When I look, its as though someone has pulled the ground out from under me, and I no longer need it to stay in place. It even feels safe. I don't need reassurance, and my heart doesn't need a shelter for protection. I can even publish my hidden post about Dorothy, hidden because it's too intimate? I get that intimacy is really just another delusion. How can we be intimate, or non-intimate with anything when its all just an endless flow of experience?
Since 2000 I believed I would never half to read another book, and that there was nothing new for me on any written pages. If you want to get to the heart of the 65 pages I've read so far in Adya's The End of Your World, go to page 53 "Common Delusions, Traps, and Points of Fixation." For me its getting stuck in a sense of superiority. That was his problem too, and a problem for many. Why for me? When I look, I see that superiority is the polar opposite of inferiority, and feeling inferior is what has driven me most of my life. When I'm holding onto my "self" as inferior, of course I would cling to whatever idea of superiority comes up. But now seeing that, it cannot get its way. That belief was a way of feeling superiority. Who can judge anyone or anything, once the eyes are wide open? Thanks book.
The sad finders of empty awareness try to negate our experience by proclaiming that the "I" doesn't exist. How can they say that? How can that be, when the i is infinite and all-consuming?
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