I am calling this day "the unknowable" because that is where my attention now seems to be directed. The attention is the direct awareness of experience without concepts
or grasping. What is knowable is with the mind, and of course that is where all of the words come from. But what is unknowable can only be directly experienced, making the mind and its words superfluous. Yet it is the mind that is having the experience of fullness, emptiness, and illusion. That which is having the experience beyond the touch of the mind, does not actually have any experience at all, and is no longer even a "that." Which provides a hint of why it is that words, and anything else arising in the space of consciousness we call the mind, cannnot convey direct experience.
All of that has been said a hundred thousand times by others who have become aware of that which is folding in on itself, infinitely aware of itself, yet never in eternity was or ever will be a self. Ha! Trying to wrap words around infinite awareness is serious work, yet also looks like monkey business.
After this note I went to help my brother move, spending 6 hours carrying furniture back and forth. There was no problem. Then I read.
Feb 18 11pm musings while reading about the process of awakening
In The End of Your World, Adyashanti presents three ideas, or "traps," that come with awakening: the delusion of superiority; the trap of meaninglessness; and being stuck in emptiness. Of course everyone should read the book for the details, but I'm inspired to relate them to my own experience.
I mentioned superiority before, as the polar opposite of inferiority, and how to resolve it. In the dance between fullness, emptiness, delusion, and darkness, superiority is a delusion.
Meaninglessness seems to correlate with negating, which is a favorite tool of lesser teachers, and the guys on spiritualteachers.org. With negating, they block words that don't fit their narrow and fragile level of awakeness. This is often done with an air of superiority. It is a form of darkness.
Emptiness is enlightenment without heart. There is no fullness. It probably is a form of both darkness and delusion.
All three of Adya's traps, in my experience, overlap, and one person may have any or all of them. He presents a sharp method for spotting such obstacles, and cuts them with a knife.
The key to deepening and avoiding these traps is to be more real and honest, he writes. I'd like to see someone who isn't stuck in one of these traps, disagree with that. I have investigated looking at thoughts and perceptions as they really are, and discovered that I need to be brutally honest. That's not hard to do with myself, but its a challenge not to overdo do it with others. I can be too honest for other's good. I can be disrespectful, because I get impatient and confrontational when someone lacks sincerity or lies. The fact is, and research clearly shows this, most people lie all the time. When I'm being brutally honest, its easy to see it.
My second wife walked off with everything i had, and then got alimony on top of that. I can blame her for cheating me, but the fact is I told her i wanted a divorce a couple times, and i didn't follow through. That dishonesty, or lack of sincerity, goaded her insecurity, resulting in my coming home in 2004 to an empty condo, with matching empty bank accounts. I then became a fanatic about finding a relationship with someone who could be honest - not easy to do - and after a few years lucked out with Akemi. I've had a few backslides with her, but I paid for them, learned, and kept my karma clean enough.
Not being honest with oneself is living in a delusion. Ridding oneself of all delusions is absolutely essential to deepen. It has to be done, but it takes a certain amount of waking up to handle it.
Now i know that my "non-abiding" (term used by Adya), temporary awakening in 2000 is more than a memory, and nothing was lost. It was a part of a process leading up to where i am now, which is easing quickly into a state of full realization. I don't need to repeat two years of being on fire, or travel to India again, or attend another 200 satsangs. There is no need for reading 300 books now, or sitting still for another 500 hours. I don't need to join any more churches, or chant in darkened rooms with mystical study groups. My worry that i might have to go through all that again was foundless. Everything I did during those years counts fully toward what i experience now, and it's all worth it! All I had to do now was open my heart, which happened nine days ago, shift my attention seriously toward awakening for the past three weeks, and explore what's coming to mind with brutal honesty. That requires being vulnerable, and I have done my best to share that on these pages. In actuality, writing this is part of the investigation, requires honesty, and results from the shift of attention.
Feb 19 7am an article about nonduality, and more, appears in my thoughts
Somewhere between 5 and 615am, my mind went through a series of ideas, questions, and answers. That's nothing unusual, but maybe the conclusions are. Maybe not, but here goes, rough draft for now.
Intro to true nonduality
Perhaps there is a technique, and a method, to precisely arrive at a moment where the shift of perception occurs, leaving one in the direct experience of wordless non-duality. Maybe, somehow, it can be explained in plain English.
Divine Love
I call it this to distinguish it from personal love, which is love for something seen as separate. This is undiscriminating love for everything, including ourselves. This shouldn't be confused with romantic love, which can give the feeling that everything is okay no matter what, and the heart feels as though it will burst from the chest. Divine love, in the sense i am using it, is unconditional and not focused on the presence of any one thing. That's why i also call it the love of a Great Heart, because the source seems to be an endless flowing of the subtle vibration of life, and even the source of creation of the universe. It is beyond the grasp of the mind, and has some physical characterstics that have been described over and over. Right now i feel a sense of lightness throughout my body, and a deepening flow with every breath. It feels full, and is experienced from teacher to student as a deep transmission. The trap is that people, and I have met a number of then, can get caught up in a state of bliss and surrender. This is being stuck in transcendence. I believe it correlates to the practice of the bhakti form of yoga, which is similar to silent devotion and surrender, usually to a guru.
Empty Awareness
Emptiness is discussed all the time. It is like divine love in that it is moving beyond the discrimination of things, and is wordless. It shouldn't be confused with silent mind, because the mind is actually never silent. Silent mind is simply a practice, allowing awareness of that which is beyond the mind to appear. True empty awareness is crystal clear, sharpens the mind, yet is also undirected. It is asserted by negation, "not this, not that," which without the presence of divine love leads to concepts that are cold and sterile. Having empty awareness alone is often mistaken for nondual awareness, because things in the illusion are seen to be undivided, and not separate. This is where people get stuck in a state that is unsatisfying, feeling like something is missing, so the experience can be said to be empty. It is sometimes associated with isolation and depression. In my experience, it is more aligned with the gnani form of yoga, which involves inquisition, questioning and analyzing.
True Nonduality
How can anyone say that nonduality is merely the resolution of the appearance of separation within the illusion? Even beginning seekers soon understand that all is one, even without the direct experience. Buddha explained unitive consciousness very well, and was clear that it is still part of the mind. But, full realization of our true nature is not of the mind, it is ungraspable, so beyond words and concepts. We can describe oneness quite accurately, but can only be a finger pointing to the absolute, which in reality can't be pointed to at all. This isn't just nit-picky semantics. It's a real problem when people get stuck in transcendence to the full-blown awareness of infinity in the present moment. It's sad, and when I think about it, it hurts because they don't even know what they are missing, and apparently there are not many teachers who can help people who have reached this point. Seeing the illusion from the perspective of the unitive mind rather than the discriminating mind leads one to nothing but a higher stage of duality: the duality of oneness with the absolute. It became clear to me in 2000 for several months anyway, and again this morning at 6am, that this is where people get stuck. Who among the truly enlightened can disagree that only the resolution of unitive awareness with empty awareness, can bring about a more ultimate form of nondual awareness? This opens the door to Advaita, and Dzogchen, and all sorts of Eastern spirituality. I don't know the true meaning behind the Sanskrit word for nonduality. But I know that as it is currently used in western teachings, it falls short of what can be said about our ultimate awareness. That makes it a trap for people to get stuck in. There is considerable room left to explore the concept of nonduality, and still be in the realm of the mind. I haven't yet mentioned the place of the great heart in nondual awareness.
A method to avoid getting stuck short of true nondual awareness
Become familiar enough through inquiry and seeking to have a basic grasp of what is said about unity, illusion, knowing, and love. See that once you have those, you are still in the lowest part of the mind. Recognize that, and keep moving. Find techniques that work for you, whether its yoga, meditation, chanting, etc, and be an arrow going deeper. Don't get stuck there, where many have been, for years and even decades. This is where you will identify and go beyond your fears and desires, except for that peculiar desire for the desireless. When that happens, prepare for the first breakthrough, or deep realization. Look closely. If it's empty awareness, start seeking the great heart, the source of divine love. If it's divine love, start turning attention to the absolute emptiness. Up to this point, you're listening, seeking, doing self-inquiry, reading, and perhaps writing. When you have the first breakthrough (okay maybe it's the 101st breakthrough - doesn't matter, as long as you can recognize it - you can begin looking at the duality of emptiness and fullness. You're still not awake, but it's that well-described and odd place where you must leave everything you thought you knew behind, and enter the unknown. All that means is you're beyond the knowing of the mind. It doesn't mean it's a scary or unsafe place to be. This is where all one's courage should be focused. Go boldly! It's possible you had breakthroughs for emptiness and fullness at the same time - those have been described. But the point has been reached where the duality of empty and full must be resolved to deepen the awareness of our true nature. Now is the point of no more seeking. Now, it all comes to us, and we can't hold it back. Or it doesn't come. Probably, and this remains to be better worked out, it is recognizing what is happening through both love and wisdom that dissolves the final attachment to concepts. And after that? As far as I know, and based on the teachings of deeply realized beings, it never ends and just goes deeper and deeper.
A note on the language of spiritual attainment
Language is a great obstacle in spiritual growth. I've seen it used defensively and even to attack, many times, by both teachers and students. More often it's just plain sloppy. I'm trying to learn to minimize this obstacle and use words that are most commonly recognized around satsangs and in spiritual writings. The language shifts over time, as I found out after 12 years off the "path," and lacks uniformity among teachers and sanghas. I don't like using Sanskrit words, but there are a few worth using because they translate to a whole paragraph of English, so they're worth learning.
A note about how i can talk about such things
My inspiration to write this comes from two places. First, it is a memory of the nonduality i experienced in the past, during my months of non-abiding realization. Second, I am experiencing it right now, sitting here, and looking at it. It's direct without words, but words do come, appearing to precipitate out of the mind. Something - the entire mind-illusion - literally comes out of nothing, spontaneously arising in this moment. Also, i write this because i want to have a small part in helping the world to awaken. That may be the ultimate form of service right now. I'm writing from a place where I'm not concerned about acceptance or not. I care but I don't care. In fact it would help me go deeper with this if someone could tackle it and tear it apart. But its still just a work in progress, and I'm not about to shove it off for publication in the Journal of Nonduality, or the magazine Enlightenment Now! I have read amazing things written over years by awakened persons, that didn't seem to reach anyone. And I've read utter junk that sold 10 million copies. I make no claim to be putting down words that are amazing, or are not utter junk. The thoughts cascade and tumble down and need an outlet. Here it is.
I hope that others will continue to take these investigation deeper, break down their assumptions and assertions, and make them more precise. That's not out of an egoic challenge, but more from a sense of play. We are supposed to be free, and enjoy! Yet, people certain don't awaken by a formula or a clock. Any single source of information will leave out many. But most importantly, i believe we can do better when it comes to putting a finger on the point where transcendence finally peels away, and where the full realization of the present moment encompasses our beingness. That might better lead to true nonduality. Perhaps the focus should be on minimizing the obstacles, and help people to get out of their own way.
Brief relevant note from my own story
About my story, I am a gnani, or one who seeks to become the knower. All my life I have questioned everything, and been impatient when answers were hard to get. I spent tremendous time and energy digging into subjects like the meaning of life, God, and even ETs. Finally, one day in 1998 during my trip to India, my mind emptied for 5 days. It was a clearing, not a realization. When I arrived home I gave away my 200 books on psychology and spirituality. That had to happen before my heart could fully open, which occurred in the presence of a deeply realized teacher. I have had since then what I consider to be a complete understanding of the illusion, with no important questions to ask. It was perhaps 2 years after that that I became aware of this opening as coming from the heart. That's when I had a full, non-abiding realization. A story of all my spiritual experiences and signposts, beginning at the age of 14, would fill a small book. I suspect that is true for most people on a dedicated spiritual journey. It was enough to go through all that back then, and now find after 12 years of identification with the illusion, empty awareness and opening of the heart could happen in just a few weeks, once I turned my attention to it.
No comments:
Post a Comment