January 24 is a significant date, because that is when I decided to turn my attention more fully toward spiritual awakening, and to reactivate this blog. That all came about from seeing through the attachment to the expected outcome from helping others, which will be explained here.
Feb 18 is the date that I left all attachment to thoughts and body as self, and perceived the shift of awareness to non-self. This is not the first time I experienced this shift, but it is more natural and with no new actual “work.” There is also no sense of finality, or “this is it.” It will go on, and on...
Jan 26 Recalling our stay in a Japanese Shingon Buddhist Temple
We just finished our morning service. Ever since we went to Japan last year and spent two weeks in a traditional Buddhist style Temple, my wife Akemi has kept us on this path.
She lights incense, we prostrate three times, and kneel in front of a small shrine in our living room, and chant Shingon Mikkyo sutras. After that, she prays and I meditate. The whole ritual only takes ten minutes, but we do it every day. Lately, I've started doing empty mind meditation, because I feel a stirring to get back on the direct path. Doing rituals really isn't my path, but I'm happy to do them because it's Akemi's path, and she's very spiritual.
The ritual often makes me recall the Daikokuji temple in Kagoshima, Japan last January, I was invited to sit by Master Kawakami, known as Sensei, at a ceremony. He is the Chief Priest there, and he built the temple by hand after WW II. I knew immediately that he was enlightened because it felt as though I was sitting next to a mountain, and I received the wordless transmission. If you're deeply along the path you know this transmission because you've received it. If you haven't received it yet, you will, because you're reading this. No one reads this kind of material unless they are exploring a spiritual path.
I wasn't really consciously on the spiritual path. But being immersed again in such an environment got my curiosity up.
"Sensei, I had an experience of awakening years ago, and I lost it. Now I don't desire the desirelessness." I didn't waste words because even with the language barrier I knew he would get it. A full time temple monk who had left his native country of Italy, sat by me and translated.
"It will return," Sensei said, "it will return." He taught 2 or 3 times every day about his system of understanding the illusion. I found I had needed a complete system for understanding the illusion before I could even think about letting go of it, and I had completed mine in 1998, months after that trip to India. It all came together one day when I had an "aha!" and I gave away over 200 books about psychology and spirituality. But this aha was nothing more than a sign along the way. I have a long list of signs now.
I asked Sensei many questions, comparing his way of understanding the illusion to mine, and I resisted. He was all about animal spirits, dead people, and getting students to do "gyo" which is "throwing oneself to God." Akemi and I bathed in a rocky pool at 3 am where the water temperature was below 40 degrees, and we went on 30 km walks. There was even a couple inches of snow for a few days. I had hypothermia and blisters on my feet. I told Sensei I didn't want to repeat the cold bath or the walk, so my buddy the Italian monk took me up a steep trail to a clearing with a big rock in the middle. We sat on the rock and chanted a sutra 2,000 times, using a string of beads to keep count. We started at 11 pm, and it was cold. That was gyo. I didn't like it, so I would hole up somewhere and read. or do a project on my laptop. Akemi was better, and she threw herself to God every day, climbing down a hill through the snow to reach the cold water bath. Sensei would sit inside by a heater, drinking Saki and rubbing his big Buddha belly. I didn't learn a single useful thing, but now that I think about it maybe Sensei's transmission planted a seed.
Akemi and I finished morning service. Our shrine is very meticulously arranged, and it's a joy to look at. Sometimes it makes me think of the 25 monks living in the temple, many of them for decades. None of them were awakened to the truth, Sensei told me. I find this to be very curious.
Jan 27 Desire for the desirelesness
I'm thinking more about the desire for awakening. It's also one of the fears that's holding me back, because nothing in the universe will be able to stop it.
I wonder if I need to rearrange my life before I can allow it, but I'm not sure what that will look like. When it happened in the past, my life was simpler, because when you're coming from the bottom there is nothing to lose.
I was awake half the night. Early this morning, getting out of bed as usual, expecting by now to be dragging, I feel refreshed. It reminds me of times in the past when I would be consciously aware of myself sleeping and dreaming.
Yesterday I sent an email to Shantimayi the master who had given me my first and most powerful transmission, asking if we could have an exchange about the return of this desire. Gangaji will be in Marin on April 10, and I will try my best to talk to her directly. The teacher of the weekly meditation class (Garett Engle) offered for me to see one of his friends who he says is enlightened. He reads her poetry in class sometimes, and the words inspiring, precise, and simple.
It's tempting to use Hindi and Sanskrit words, because most of the people who go on the path of deepening like them, and I've heard them so much that they come to mind when I talk about it. But why should we need a foreign language to bring us closer to the truth?
Jan 28 Discussing nonduality
We just returned from a meditation and discussion to see a "facilitator" for a group exploring non-duality, a man named Cory Bright, at an artist's loft in Berkeley. I found him online at a Meet Up group. He knows Gangaji, Kenny Johnson, John Sherman, and Adyashanti, all recognized as awakened, all of whom I've seen. I took Kenny around to give satsangs after he was released from prison in 2000, so I knew him pretty well. Yes, he awakened in prison because Gangaji went there and gave satsangs. It's a small world when you've been on the path in the Bay Area.
I asked Cory about his concept of non-duality - he said "I don't know anything." He has teachers, not a teacher, and when I asked if he has been recognized as awakened he gave a fuzzy answer that I can't remember. I shared my experence of fire, desiring the desireless, and my idea of non-duality. Also the curious state of mind I've been in since 2000. It was an odd conversation. The class and faciltator are deeper than the two previous groups, both in Palo Alto. He was a good guy, generous with his time, but my impression is to keep looking. No one seems to have any idea what to do with me. I think it's supposed to be that way for now. It's an opportunity to learn to share my story before I meet with the more profound Masters.
Jan 28 Attachment to the outcome of helping others
How can giving service to others be a source of suffering? In my system of understanding the illusion, I know the ultimate service is to awaken, and radiate the truth. It raises the vibrations
of the planet and it's good for everybody when someone awakens. But now I'm contemplating a meeting I directed today, a project to help people by educating them about the health care crisis in America.
The conference room at the Redwood City Library was perfect, except the microphone wouldn't work. People brought food and drinks but forgot cups, and spoons for the yogurts. I did all the real work - booking the venue, scheduling speakers, preparing my speech, publicizing, and making www.coalitionfor2014.org. Even with the glitches everything went well. Yet I've been working on these projects non-stop for a year, have become a volunteer director in a national organization, and nothing changes.
Service to others is now a trap, a one-way street on a road that takes a detour from the truth. Spending 60 hours to prepare for a couple of 2 hour programs no longer appeals or even makes sense, because there is no measurable outcome. Reviewing a post from the past, I see how much I struggled with failure even then. It's good for my karma, I think.
It's interesting that desire to ease the suffering of others evaporates when faced by a desire for the infinite. The past desire to help others, one at a time, was easily overcome by the desire for freedom. But now, the call to serve is ramped up into an ocean of desire to fix the whole broken system; such a catastrophe health care in America has become. There are roots to the problem that those in power refuse to see. There are solutions that require generations of cultural change, and others that only come from bloody revolution. Peaceful change that happens quickly requires people to work together. Where did I get the belief that peaceful and rapid change could happen on earth? Now it's more than a belief...I have experienced large-scale disharmony directly.
The only thing left to do is to let go of it and prepare to be consumed.
I emailed Janak just now. In 1998 I watched him practically awaken in front of me with Shantimayi and her Guru Maharaji in northern India. Now he has a sangha in New Zealand. Any wise word can make a difference.
I'm picking up my bow and arrow and walking toward the path.
Jan 29 A man and woman race to awaken
I asked Akemi how she views her process of awakening. She wants it, but has a totally different concept of how to get it. Her way is to do some meditation and find the moment in everyday life, and it will come to her. She insists she has no fears, but admits she also doesn't have a big desire for it, and laughs when I tell her that I'm making a schedule and setting up the right conditions to awaken. She asks "if I awaken tomorrow, will you know it?" I tell her "I think I will, but if I suspect it then I'll rush you to a realized Master to confirm it." We laugh and I tell her about Suzanne Segal, the woman who awakened at a bus stop and went to a psychiatrist because she thought she had gone crazy. The shrinks called it "depersonalization." It wasn't that simple, there was also a sad side to it.
April 1 marks the time when I'll be finished with my last scheduled project. From experience, I know that having nothing to do will make my mind spin down and open up. We each have a different way to prepare. Not for enlightenment, but for becoming receptive to it. Others try to tell us what to do, but nobody can even show us the jumping off point. I had to go deep inside, overcome the unknown, and lose myself, the teachings, and all concepts of everything just to become receptive and start to open. That's the only part I can really plan. The rest will come after that.
I am impatient by nature. I never wait for anything to come to me, especially something rare and wonderful like becoming that which has no needs and is no longer the doer. I told Akemi that we should have a race to see who awakens first. She giggled, and made me promise to wait until after she gets back from her trip to Japan.
I revisited the story about Susan Segal, to be sure I'm getting the facts right. April 1 will be the 15th anniversary of her death from a brain tumor. It was eerie reading an interview of her not long before her diagnosis. She said: Spiritual practices imply that something has to be done in order to become the Vastness or in order to see that the Vastness has always been the doer...I don't see any techniques or practices to do. She realized the vastness spontaneously, without a teacher, without an apparent desire for it. It makes me think - never will the exact same path be travelled again.
Jan 30 Seeking those who have found it
Janak returned my email right away. I'm feeling drawn to express the reality of non-dual consciousness through the avenue of Christ mysticism, he wrote.
His new blog Christ Wisdom, tells about it. He hasn't been holding satsang for a while, and has had others suggesting that he start them up again. In the manner of those who are enlightened, he tells me: Things wax and wane according to their nature.
So Janak is my first connect with the infinite in human form, on my return to the path of Now. But he was always there, over the years since that trip to India in 1998. Maybe I'll find something that was never lost.
Jan 31 People are awakening everywhere
Last night I wanted to know how spirituality is doing on the internet. Out of curiousity, I tried a few key words and spiritualteachers.org came up right away.
It links to a discussion board that has active threads by people who aren't afraid to dig deep and share. I found the TAT Foundation, which has a Forum, and even lists world wide gatherings.
Many well-known teachers started come up. A website about Nisargadatta, one of my all-time favorites; videos of Krishnamurti, who taught we don't need a teacher or organization to awaken; and audio interviews of Adyashanti. I found a few teachers who claim to be awakened, and are not, on Enlightenment.com. They are part of my past, and make for little stories. Yet, it's a disservice to name them. I'm not a spiritual cop or looking for a conflict, at least not right now.
In our exploration of the truth, discernment can keep false teachers from leading us off our path, unless we need the experience of being mislead. I've learned a lot from unenlightened teachers, and it's easier to trust someone who shares that they haven't awakened. As for the ones who claim it and are not, I know sooner than later. I'm not sure why I know this, or why I bring it up repeatedly. I do know that I will never let them get in my way.
I wrote an introduction on the bulletin board, and after hours of browsing and reading everyone's shares, it's just different ways of putting down the same words. Let's call it Enlightenese. I've been fluent since I had the direct and temporary experience in 2000, so it's no problem to join anyone's conversation. The words are only mind and illusion no matter how well they are crafted. Even this language is graspable when one can reach the limits of mind's ability to grasp, even if not awakened. That's why false teachers can fool many people. I also think of it as a "word salad." We should fill a bowl with many scraps of paper bearing words with spiritual meanings, and take turns reaching in to grab a handful. Then we can each arrange them in whatever order we like, and give a teaching.
Feb 1 Smited – spiritual rebuke
I received two replies to my introduction on the spiritual discussion board. The first wrote: Better don't play those games. Don't trust those Masters. They are humans. I've made my investigation, and I haven't found a single Master who can be really trusted. A second said: You currently think that you had a shift in awareness and then lost it, but that is not true. "You" never had anything happen to you because who you think you are does not exist. Who you think you are is a figment of imagination. One wrote from an emotional experience, the other from a place presumably beyond the reach of the mind. Neither connected in a way that is helpful. I was also instructed to stop looking for awakening, and go read what Suzanne Segal wrote about this.
Ah, yes! I remember these go-rounds from the past. I must have buried them, but here they are again. I read my introduction, to see what I had missed: I had a shift of awareness...I was fully in the present moment...life was effortless...then desires came back and I "lost it." Now I have to get it back and make it stick...and so on.
In hindsight I can see some flaws, but it's also merely "point of view." In the past, fellow seekers have done everything from yelling in my face when I tried discussing the Lankavatara Sutra, to walking away when I started asking questions. Why should it be any different now?
After sleeping on it, I found how my new friends could be helpful. I wrote "thank you for helping me learn to share this more clearly and with fewer words, and to assert that I don't have any fears except the one that is holding me back."
It's hard work learning to be precise with words, and become unassailable. That's why many teachings are fluff; most teachers can't handle brutal inquiry. I know this because I am one to do such inquiry. It's only fair that I take some heat. Tomorrow, I'm meeting in Oakland with Shawn, the guy who edits this spiritual discussion board. He just relocated from Kentucky.
Feb 3 Do you speak Enlightenese?
The words I choose to describe it are as important as my inner state. When I toss out words like "awakened" or "realized," I get heat. I never say "enlightenment,"
which "advanced" seekers leave for those on the lower rungs of the spiritual ladder. Agreed - that word has been used and abused in so many ways that it has no clear meaning. So, what will I say?
Nothing - I won't talk about it, like Shantimayi and Gangaji instructed me in 2000.
Avoid - I will converse about spiritual teachers, or about the mundane details of life.
Waffle - I will mince words, avoiding anything that might bring criticism.
Fearless - I will jump in, bold, direct, and get smited, or watch people get up and leave.
I can't understand why many
non-realized seekers, and even finders who are awakened to their true nature,
seem to hold back on expressing it. Fear that they will get smited? Or, are
they actually sharing at the limit of their understanding? People know if they
are aware of infinity, or not! I am not, but just because I'm not should I
compromise what I will say to avoid getting smited?
Worse is a spiritual oligarchy, a "family" (or
sangha) who sees outsiders as unworthy unless they shutup and wait for eventual
acceptance. Then, everybody can stay on the same page, and avoid, or waffle
their words. That trap is a spiritual status quo. Never! I Am Number
Four.Feb 4 What is the sound of one hand slapping?
Satsang with Paul Hedderman today was pretty cool, thanks to an invitation from Shawn Nevins, the administrator of the TAT foundation's spiritual discussion board.
We sat in a courtyard of a church in Marin County, near Sausalito. Because of a traffic jam we were so late I almost gave up and turned around before we hit the Golden Gate Bridge, but I'm glad we didn't. He welcomed us right in and introduced himself to me and Akemi.
My chair was in the shade and I was practically shivering, while everyone else was basking in the sun. That kind of weather is not unusual in the Bay Area in February.
Paul was better live than in his videos or writings on his website, very spontaneous and in the moment. One would have to be dense to not get that he had a profound way of looking at life. He shared insights that were comical yet severe, and didn't follow a script or dogma.
He asked if I knew about non-duality, and I said yes I know it, and yes I had been to satsangs before. He ended his monologue with a few questions from the group. Shawn was there - I had just met him at Peet's Coffee in Oakland two days earlier. Suddenly, it was suddenly time to pass the basket. I didn't want to miss the chance to share a message - a message I had been working on all morning to get into a short paragraph.
"Do you have time for one more?" I asked. He nodded. "I wanted to share why I'm here. I'm done with the illusion. I'm turning my attention to finding the infinite awareness in the present moment, and it's happening soon, like you said on your website the 'experiential mode.' I'm done 'selfing.'" He seemed to be encouraging, so I went on. "The real reason I'm here is that I feel I need someone to guide me, to get to know me before it happens and be supportive after I'm in the place where there is no self."
"Sure, we can support you, just keep coming here, We meet 3 days a week." Then it was over and a few people introduced themselves. They invited us to a local diner, which was unexpected. I needed to debrief alone, with Akemi, so I excused us and we drove back to the peninsula. As I left the courtyard I couldn't tell if I was shivering was from the cold shadows or from the spiritual energy of that moment.
Feb 5 do you know where you are?
Sometime before the dawn of this morning, in that place between dreaming and awakening, I had clarity. I created some questions and the answers came immediately.
It seemed like I knew the answer but wasn't aware that I knew, so I had to find the question. Maybe that's what satsang does. It brings up answers to questions we didn't even know we had. I was having satsang with a higher mind while horizontal in bed. So, where am I?
I've seen through my final desire to do something in the illusion. That was the desire to be part of the solution to the health care crisis, a crisis with causes and solutions that became apparent as soon as I focused attention on them last year. Thank God that's over. The suffering that brought, thinking that the decline of the health of America, now equivalent to that of some third world countries, would begin to turn around, was a painful fantasy with no good outcome. Even getting Americans to learn ways to take better care of their health won't happen in this generation. Who wants to bother when Dr. Oz is teaching people to do cardio aerobics, just like Jack LaLanne did in the '50s, and Richard Simmons did in the '70s? People are less healthy now than they were then. Richard even became morbidly obese, for a while.
The completely futile desire to help people is now seen through, and vanished. I wanted the human race to become happier and healthier, but I could not have any measurable impact trying to ease the suffering of people I see as separate selves. In 1997 I saw the vanity of trying to ease my own suffering and in 2000 I was free of it, for a while. Two months ago I saw the futility of trying to help others, and will soon be free forever, because I will take it even deeper.
We feel when the brain is getting rewired, and the mind is reorganizing, and that's what's happening to me these mornings. But, we forget it, and distract ourselves away from it, keeping it covered over because we fear it or we need to fit into the world around us. Who can be honest about this, and see through the illusion? Contemplation is remembering it, and meditation is turning away from distraction, Who can turn their attention to it fully, and do the work? The desire for the desirelessness is a common denominator to shifting awareness of a self to the pure awareness of the present moment of infinite potential. Who knows how to bring on this desire, and allow it when it happens?
That desire will consume me, burning off attachment, fear, karma, and all lesser desire. That's the method for freedom. Anything else is just technique.
I know where I am. I'm remembering, meditating, turning away from distraction, and preparing for the final desire. My location in time and space is a fantasy, and no longer relevant. I know exactly where I am.
Feb 8 No satsangs yet
Tonight I got into it with Paul Hedderman at St. John's Church. After an hour or so of his steamy monologue, I had my chance to repeat to him that I was finished
with the illusion, and share what is coming soon: the time where I will be free to do nothing, have nothing to do, and allow my mind to spin down into stillness. I thought it was a pretty good share, but he didn't go anywhere with it. He stormed back with the same assertions that he gave a woman before me, who had shared an emotional boyfriend drama.
"It is not you who is doing, your mind is making something up, you need to be concise, but if you think you need to do something to prepare, go ahead and do it. Why not? It's just a story." A guy with short hair and glasses sitting on a table in the back of the room, jumped in to help Paul, ranting something about how the Buddha was conscious of the present moment, full of conviction but sounding like a textbook. I fired back at both of them. "I speak Enlightenese, I can learn your words and talk your language. This is a wordgame." I accused Paul of needing preparation of some sort to know himself as God, and that he was not Susan Segal awakening at a bus stop. I demanded that the guy on the table consider the years of seeking the Buddha had before he could "realize the infinite potential of the present moment," as I put it. Paul repeatedly interrupted me, so I would cut back in to reply. We were going overtime, people were getting restless. Then it was over, and Paul gave me a big hug in front of the group. Perhaps he was relieved. There was a lot more I could have said.
By the time I arrived back at the apartment, I had the encounter figured out. Unassailable doesn't mean a deeply realized or effective teacher. Here was a lesser teacher. More than some others, but not enough. He had not succeeded in building the bridge for us to cross from the place of the attached self, to that of awakened non-self. The chasm separating the two had appeared, ugly and gaping, and like other lesser teachers all he could do was command us to jump across. No preparation, no process, no investigation or exploration. Just jump! No meeting of minds or consideration of subtleties.
A dopey Lama in San Jose comes to mind, whose devoted students perform lengthy rituals and call him Rinpoche. That was the first Bay Area group Akemi and I went to, months ago. Now we've seen four teachers, been to over a dozen meetings, none of them qualifying as satsang, only gatherings. They can fool me once, but never twice. I'm still looking for the teacher with the real truth - and heart. Thanks for that reminder, Janakji.
Afterthought, 7 am the next morning: I'm in my head, chasing around inquiries about why teachers can't build bridges to help seekers realize their true nature. Perhaps in Paul's case the drug-addict-alcoholic who once white knuckled sobriety, is now white knuckling enlightenment. They say in recovery programs: "give a handup, not a handout" - his monologue was the handout. He says he knows himself as God and not as a self. I know myself as a self, but not as God! So, whose role is it to cross that great divide? "There is no one to play a role," so the lesser teachers will assert," because there is no one to cross and nothing to cross to. It is already here, and you are already that, you just don't realize it." Such words are a mindless and thoughtless mantra. Better to keep moving, and become mindless and thoughtless without a mantra:)
Feb 9 I receive the Great Heart
The deepening experience of being with a truly realized being, and an hour of exploring the vast presence of infinity. Getting the transmission behind the words: "awakeness awakens itself in a mind-body in its own experience of being." A rest from my glaring attention to the details of finding the present moment. I didn't know that I wasn't open to the Great Heart of the present moment until after our meeting, when it came to me why I was feeling that mysterious lightness, as if a metaphysical weight had been removed from my body. It was my heart opening. Janak just said, a few days ago, to find the teacher who would take my heart. I found her, yet in reality she came to me. Thank you, Adonai, in the love and light.
Feb 11 No poetry now
I knew this would happen, but I didn't know when or how. The day and a half of heartfulness is over. I'm back in my head, and its full of chaos. Old desires and stories spin around in my inner space. White noise crackles in the background, thoughts and feelings tumble and drive impulses I thought I had dropped - my plunge into freedom is interrupted.
Yesterday morning I was angry, that's what pulled me into the dark. I can put my finger on it. I was doing my chores, starting with the usual 50 emails, and one drove me to pound out a letter of protest over something foolish the national organization was doing. Why did they make me the California State Director, and hold back support? They lied; there's no money, and hardly any members in the Bay Area who will do any meaningful work. I'm irritated and I want to bite the head off of the Campaign Director in the Washington D.C. office, who called to get my report on the phone list I'm working. She was bubbly and had all sorts of suggestions. I don't need a cheerleader, I need a support team, not some polyanna with nothing to do but create a laundry list of more chores. I bit my tongue and said okay-okay, but I chafed, so I fired an email to Clark. He's the only other member in this area that has done anything significant, and he's also burned out and cynical. His reply popped up on Yahoo an hour later. Tell the bitch to go to hell, he said, putting words to my attitude. After a 35 year career as a thoracic surgeon, he wasn't into BS. Of course I didn't tell the Campaign Director where to go, but Carl's attack made me feel better. A few hours later, I backed away from the desk and went to the gym. Pushing weights is an effective outlet for anger. Then I ran hard for 30 minutes on the treadmill, getting my heart rate to 160, soaking in sweat.
Dark thoughts keep oozing. I'm a one man project manager and gofer because they lied. There aren't 15,000 members nationwide, that's an email list, there can't be more than 1% who actually do anything. Who would have thought volunteering can be more draining and less inspiring than slaving 9-5? If I've really learned it's futile to get my desired outcome, why am I so attached? I need to go back to my day job. I shouldn't stay so ramped up to achieve a victory over human suffering. I get supine on the sofa, and let on-screen dramas distract my attention away from self incrimination. Akemi's in Japan, so I watch macabre shows she doesn't like, then crawl into bed alone. The dark fog continues to poison my thoughts as I toss and turn to find sleep.
Now its 6:30 Saturday morning. Grrrrrr. I'm annoyed by awakening to thoughts of blood spatter on the walls. I really need to stop watching Dexter late at night. My stomach feels bloated. I need a 3 day starvation fast. I breathe deeply and wait for empty mind, but thoughts crawl in. I have to stop the beer, even if its only 2 or 3. I'm weak, I need discipline.
I'm chronicling the rebound of attachments, and I need an escape. The workshop for which I registered is looming, but it doesn't feel like the escape I need. It doesn't seem interesting at all this morning. I have a fear that I'll be nothing but an object in a classroom, so I'm trying to bend my mind to accept that, and allow whatever happens, but the thought feels flimsy and hollow. What can anyone say that will teach me anything new? I'm not even curious, but I'll go because I always keep my commitments.
Feb 11 Spiritual workshop
A satsang providing CEUs for psychotherapists could only happen in Berkeley. This morning I drove through the neighborhood near a Unitarian church, and had a deja vu. I had been there before in 2001, when Shantimayi made her tour through California. I brought my parents to that satsang to meet her, and she greeted them warmly. Dad was touched to tears, but Mom didn't find anything special, the opposite of what I expected. Now I was coming to see the first teacher to touch my heart since Shantimayi pierced it fourteen years ago. For seven hours, 60 of us glowed in the light of two realized persons.
She had a partner who was a man easily rooted in the direct experience of reality. The two of them presented exercises and discussions that were spontaneous yet structured, encouraging questions and comments. It was unlike anything I had experienced before; spiritual teaching has evolved! Everyone had a chance to share, to be intimate, and vulnerable. The toxic residue from yesterday fell away from me, and warm heart filled the room and my emptiness.
She spoke of some "seekers" who have reached that place that is empty, are at peace, and yet not fully awakened - they are stuck. I know the type from my travel to India and being in several sanghas; people like that are sometimes said to be "blissed out," and it can go on for many years. Today I saw why they're stuck - they haven't opened to the great heart. This heart is so grounding that it could be the secret to integrating the experience of pure awareness beyond words. It all makes sense, but most difficult for me is that I can't analyze it. It's beyond the grasp of the mind. Is it the bridge that crosses the chasm to realization?
When it was over I helped stack chairs and store them away. She had brought tea for everyone, carried her own books and flyers, and I brought them in boxes down the stairs to put them into her car. People who had known her for a long time came by to thank her and say goodbye, until next time. I asked her if I could see her again next week.
I really didn't know that my heart had been closed until I met her two days ago. Not closed to the personal love for my wife, or even my family, but to love for all things, including myself. Now I realize this is where my attention must go, because that is what I lost before. My mind is finished, and it is useless to go deeper into it. I can easily learn how to better express the words, but I need the teacher to show me how to keep my heart open. That is what will deepen me beyond the mind-illusion, and merge me with the infinite potential of the present moment.
The days and weeks are quickening. Going from brainstorming with teachers that are as different as night and day, to prostrating on the sofa to shake off demons, to having my heart pried open. It feels as though everything is orchestrated, taking me deeper and deeper into the unknown.
Feb 12 The Great Heart touches all of us
Gene stubbed out his cigarette as I approached. Elderly, balding, and obese, I fought the urge to tell him he was a walking heart attack.
Despite his coronary arteries, he has a big heart, caring passionately about the decline of America. We chatted for a bit, and I shared about a 2007 video of Chalmers Johnson saying it was too late to fix the military-industrial complex that the U.S. has become. Now, it's five years later, and things are getting worse.
The meeting of the San Mateo American Dream Council was starting, and we went inside. Arnold was there, a tenured professor at San Jose State, and Amanda, a retired attorney. The room was filled with 50 people, half of them with advanced degrees, all of them passionate about fixing our country. I know them, we've been meeting for months, and they are all good people. But today was different. I felt the Great Heart that connects us all.
An activist named John grabbed my hand, and started discussing how we should work together to push health care reform. Then Arnold got me in front of the whole group to give my elevator speech about the Affordable Care Act. Everywhere I looked was the heart, and everyone was connected by it.
I thought of Akemi, who supports me unconditionally, with more love than I've ever had in my life. Janak came to mind, with his poke to me, to look for a teacher who could reach my heart. Now the teacher is here, and yes she has done that. Everybody is collaborating to open my heart and allow me to see the magical harmony if I care to look, and my eyes are wide open!
Now I see the Great Heart, and many discrepancies are resolved. Students at the workshop described "energy" during their spiritual experiences. I have felt sensations of lightness, even a subtle sense of very fine vibration. Joy, peace, love, not just from a person or in a moment, but all pervasive and consuming - that is the Great Heart.
I have to shout out my truth about it: this is the love that creates the universe, the love that brings everything to life, and the love that gives us the desire to move ever deeper into the light. That desire! The same desire that made me burn for awakening, that was love from the Great Heart. Now I remember. I can't say enough about the Great heart, yet nothing can really be said; it has to be experienced directly, and recognized for what it is.
Those who have discovered it say it is always there, a gift waiting to be received. Every one of us will receive its fullness directly, in our time, as we wish.
Feb 13 From the heart: the new nonduality
Everywhere you look is this word "non-duality." It was obscure in the '90s but now it's the hot new trend. I posted about it two weeks ago after I attended
a non-duality teaching by someone who's concept of non-duality was "I don't know anything." Since then I've seen the word pop up on websites, other teachings, flyers, and billboards. Just kidding, not on billboards, but if you're travelling the spiritual path in the Bay Area it might as well be.
So what's duality? We must know something. Some people indicate that the appearance of a separate self is the duality, because in reality we are all one. Their duality is therefore a paradox of the illusion of separation, and resolved by experiencing the unity of all things.
But my concept since 2000 has been that if the unity itself is illusion, there is a higher paradox: the dual nature of the illusion and the absolute, or that which is formless, timeless, and infinite. This duality is resolved by perfect awareness of the present moment, not a moment in time or space, but of direct experience in the now. In that moment, all things exists - the past, the future, eternity of time, infinity of space, and everything the mind can grasp. This moment of direct awareness is full, because all needs are met, and nothing is missing. The duality of the full moment and the illusion of unity is resolved.
However this creates yet another duality: that of full awareness, and that of the empty self. Many will talk about the empty, non-existence of self as being their direct experience. A few will give reognition to a state of fullness. If there is a duality of full awareness and emptiness of self, how can that be resolved? This resolution cannot be asserted, or described in any way. That is the place where words, thoughts, and mind can only point to. In that place, awareness is both empty and full, and neither. I have doubts about anyone who describes non-duality with words and leaves it at that. It seems we must make the final assertion a recognition of non-assertion beyond any concept. Buddha taught the basis for all of this in the Lankavatara Sutra, which I read in 1998. It can be downloaded for free now. But I can't find anyone who has read it, including some Buddhist priests.
This morning I awoke in the Great Heart again, and was compelled to understand, in my present experience of self as a duality, how that heart can be resolved into a fully realized experience. Aha! Something came to me. Here it is.
I've already touched on the concept that the heart is the bridge between the words of the teacher and the student's opening to full realization, if the heart is even present in those teachings. But that's what creates a new duality - the duality of that which is beyond assertions, and the direct experience of the Great Heart. Both are indescribable, and each is a place to get stuck. Bhaktis, seekers who surrender and enter the heart, become blissed out but not empty. Those who follow a path of Gnani, the knower, get every question answered and enter the emptiness yet are not full. True non-duality could be the integration of the fullness of heart and emptiness of mind. Bhakti and Gnani are two of the eight forms of yoga. All yoga disciplines serve to unite the self with the divine, or reach a state of unity, experienced with the unitive mind. But that is not true enlightenment! Now I see that we must experience both the Bhakti and the Gnani to realize integrated awareness. It occurs that they must merge after awakening, and that is integration.
Now I'm warming up to the Great Heart, and my mind has grasped what there is to grasp. What's next? A mystery, and it is unknown what will come out of it.
This essay is complex and confusing, as it should be. That's because right now my mind is limited to only grasping the illusion, using words that cannot define our true nature. There are those who will attack these words, negate everything, claim that the truth can only be this or that, and make assertions of their own. Let them. My only claim is that this is my truth here and now, and it will keep changing. I'm only writing for myself, and I'll probably disagree with what I have written a few days from now! It may be time to revisit the Lankavatara Sutra.
Feb 14 What’s next? About to enter the unknown
I looked at at my outline of notes to see where I'm at in this process, and I'm at least a month ahead of schedule. I planned at that time to wind down from all the mental busyness of volunteer activities, enter a space where there is nothing to do, and allow myself to be consumed by the final desire. I've just figured out that this desire is also the experience of the Great Heart, and it's here now. So, what's next?
I planned to ask that question at my appointment tomorrow with my new teacher, then last night I browsed a link given at Saturday's workshop - Undivided: the Online Journal of Nonduality and Psychotherapy. The journal is new, just started months ago. Finding it solved my problem about how to speak the language of awakening, and gives perspective to the disservice of teachers who make the words they use inaccessible. The journal writings even have a sense of heart, unlike science writings that are cold and sterile.
Undivided brings academia to the deepest aspects of spirituality, or perhaps its the other way around, without circular reasoning and the pollution of endless copycat metaphors. Here is a way of putting things that people can agree on and use to effectively communicate. My discovery of this is beyond synchronicity. It has the feeling of being part of a personal cosmic plan.
I will learn this language, and the concepts and realizations underlying it. It won't take long, because the way is clear. Its fascinating that professors of psychology and philosophy have now mapped out the mind's opening to "nonduality," and done it in a way that gives the word respect. They are the astronauts of an infinite inner space, with endless discoveries waiting. I know from studying this new body of information that my essays seem colloquial, but with time they will become more precise expressions.
The heart is open, a new language is here to replace the haphazard old jargon of enlightenese, and the mystery unfolds. Now, the unknown can pull me in, and because of that I have no idea what's next.
Feb 15 May I have this dance?
I turned to look at the back lit numbers on the digital clock. It was 1:16 am, and I exhaled and sought empty mind until I fell back to sleep. I did it again at 5:00 am, and then before I arose from bed at 6:10. And again after I visited the bathroom, sitting on the sofa with pillows stuffed against my back. I'm cheating, I think, and laugh at myself. I look for empty mind as I type this, but it doesn't come now because thoughts stick to words and there is the old sense of me doing something. The voluntary me, the one that moves into action on command, and considers itself the center of the action.
The emptiness is not empty, I notice, during those moments of emptiness. It's very full. And when the emptiness is veiled by a sense of me being the doer, it is still full. That's something! Ha ha, I can put my finger on it, this Great Heart of fullness. What do they call this heart, in the nonduality teachings? I'll find out soon, because in 3 hours I will be at an appointment with my teacher.
What to do now? The only thing that comes to mind is to watch this dance of fullness with emptiness, until they become fixed or "integrated." And the other thing to do is allow the flowing in and out of darkness and delusion.
In the space of a vast dancehall, Emptiness and Fullness move perfectly and effortlessly together. Excuse me, may I have this dance? says Darkness to Fullness.
Of course, says Fullness, turning Emptiness over to Darkness. Now Darkness and Emptiness do their melancholic dance until Delusion steps in. Delusion and Darkness do something that doesn't look like a dance at all! After some time they fatigue, and Emptiness steps back in to dance with Delusion, restoring an uneasy sense of order to things.
While Empiness can wait, Fullness is not so patient. I'll take this dance, it says, stepping in to embrace Emptiness once again.
Eventually, both Darkness and Delusion tire and leave the dance floor. They do that because that is the way it's supposed to be, and that is the true nature of things.
Feb 15 Dropping deeper into the heart
Grace fills the world, but only a heart awakened to Love will taste its depths. In awakening we understand that grace is always present. These words were written by my teacher, the one who reached my heart. We had another hour together this morning, just us. I struggle with finding words good enough to write her:
Dear Teacher,
I heard every word you shared last week, and I contemplated them. It's amazing what has happened effortlessly, and is still happening. The heaviness inside me was removed by your presence, and now the rush of life is flowing through me and around me. I'm moving in and out of it, and today after our meeting the feeling of "dropping down into it" comes, to borrow some of your wisdom. It's a sense of groundedness, and an experience that is breathtaking. A paradox, a mystery waiting for me to resolve.
What I should do now? I asked you, because I have no idea. I had an inspiring plan, and suddenly that plan is over, I'm ahead of schedule, and I'm facing things that are unknowable. We talked about more meetings together and what I should do. You were perfectly unattached, not giving my mind anything to grasp, yet totally available, giving my heart a safe place to be. I'm empty and full, my dimensions of beingness coexist, and there are promises of more mysteries to explore.
I imagine this heart to be an infinite love that brings everything to life, and the source of creation of the universe. You recognize that the heart is wordless, and I'm trying to put words to it. I know that I can't describe it, really. I do know that it makes the illusion a better place to be, and will bring me fearlessly deeper.
Who knows what journey I would be taking if I wasn't lucky enough to meet you? Would I fidget on the floor in a thousand satsangs? Or argue with a hundred teachers, thinking I can get it all with my head? Now that it is open, who else can touch it? Everything enters into it, and it reaches back out to everything. From this moment forward, you will always be the one who opened my heart. The past is history. Thank you and all blessings.
Feb 16 Who Am I?
For much of the night I was awake, and trying to figure out why heart fullness wasn't imbued in my consciousness.
I kept looking at the clock, and tossing and turning because my back ached. What kind of work is this? This is the price to pay for believing that realization can come quickly. Who was thinking that anyway? Was it me, or non-me? I feel like the thinker, and that means failure. Since I'm failing, I must be doing something wrong. That makes me the doer. But I know I'm not the doer, because my true nature is still so has nothing to do. So who am I?
There's that question again. I always pass over it because it seems so banal. Every teacher, and every teacher's teacher has asked it and there are whole books about it. Who am I? C'mon, let's get to the advanced stuff; where's the beef? I've known the answer to that since 1999. Now I'm ruminating, and there's no doubt that it's me the doer who ruminates.
Always there is yapping in spiritual circles about being honest. Are fully realized teachers really honest, to the point that they might make people uncomfortable? Perhaps many teachers have figured out how to share the truth in ways that are cozy, comfortable, and non-offensive. Some don't mind shouting obscenities, but even then there are students who find that comforting. Go see Paul!
So, who is it that decides students should be cozy and comfortable? If I go to satsangs and gatherings, and start asking, I can imagine it might go like this:
Me: I appreciate the "who am I" question. Would you please give the answer to "who are you?"
Teacher: I am no different than you. The question goes back to "who am I?"
Me: I would like to know that you are vulnerable enough to answer the question directly.
Teacher: I am nothing, yet I am everything. And I am neither. What appears to you is illusion.
Me: When you tell us to ask "who am I," who is it that is telling us?
Teacher: It is the answer to the question. That is who tells you.
Me: What is the answer to the question?
Teacher: It is inside you. It is who you really are, beyond words and anything touched by the mind.
Me: Ok, I hear your words. Where are they coming from?
Teacher: They come from consciousness, the mind, and a mouth, but not from who I really am.
Me: We can play this game all day! Can I ask the real question, the one that every student-seeker wants to know?
Teacher: Ask anything you wish. (Until now, everyone is in the comfort zone).
Me: We who want the freedom of awakening need you to point out precisely where or how it is that we create a boundary between the sense of separation, and the full awareness of our true nature.
Teacher: That is the play of illusion. You are not that, you never were separate, and you are free in this moment to have the direct experience of who you really are.
Me: Thank you for repeating what I've heard in a hundred teachings and read in 50 books. I must conclude that you are unable or unwilling to describe that point at which we must turn away from our sense of self to that which is beyond the grasp of the mind. You have not given us a key to unlock this shift of perceptual awareness.
Teacher: Well, _________ (Can you fill in this blank? I think I can...)
Feb 16 Catapulted
through my delusions of self
Today: I am reading The End of Your World by Adyashanti. Every page speaks to where I am at right now, in this moment of time and awareness.
For example, he said Anything you avoid in life will come back, over and over again, until you're wiling to face it - to look deeply into its true nature. I looked into the nature of what I was doing, trying to ease human suffering, suffering myself because I was attached to the outcome, facing it, seeing through it, and now free of it. Page after page, this book authenticates my journey into the unknowable.
I wrote to my teacher: I'm not fighting the unknown, there's no fear or desire, just sticky "karmic residue" as I want to call it. It all feels just right:) I think about you and it helps me feel grounded.
I wrote to Janak: I'm getting catapulted through every aspect of self and delusions of self, and its coming to me, Im not going after "it."
I said to Akemi: I don't know exactly what's happening with me, but I know I won't be the same when you come back from Japan next week.
This day and every moment in it is orchestrated. It is an intimate symphony needing nothing from me except total and unconditional acceptance. I'm gifted by it, grateful, and with no idea of what will happen next. Whatever happens is meant to happen. It will come to me, with no effort on my part because I will not get in the way.
Today: I am reading The End of Your World by Adyashanti. Every page speaks to where I am at right now, in this moment of time and awareness.
For example, he said Anything you avoid in life will come back, over and over again, until you're wiling to face it - to look deeply into its true nature. I looked into the nature of what I was doing, trying to ease human suffering, suffering myself because I was attached to the outcome, facing it, seeing through it, and now free of it. Page after page, this book authenticates my journey into the unknowable.
I wrote to my teacher: I'm not fighting the unknown, there's no fear or desire, just sticky "karmic residue" as I want to call it. It all feels just right:) I think about you and it helps me feel grounded.
I wrote to Janak: I'm getting catapulted through every aspect of self and delusions of self, and its coming to me, Im not going after "it."
I said to Akemi: I don't know exactly what's happening with me, but I know I won't be the same when you come back from Japan next week.
This day and every moment in it is orchestrated. It is an intimate symphony needing nothing from me except total and unconditional acceptance. I'm gifted by it, grateful, and with no idea of what will happen next. Whatever happens is meant to happen. It will come to me, with no effort on my part because I will not get in the way.
Feb 17 Beyond nice
and positive
I just wrote my last post on the spiritualteachers.org discussion board. The subject heading, "Nice uplifting positive person," is an unusually active thread, and 37 pages long!
I wrote: The teacher who is beyond nice and positive probed me gently with subtle questions, and became a mirror that showed me something I hadn't seen in a while - my heart, and it was full, not empty. We talked about it, the presence of emptiness with fullness, or awareness with love, and it now occurs to me that this love - the love that creates and moves all of life and the universe - is what is missing from so many teachings, and what one (probably) cannot get from books or alone as a seeking self. Now, all of us going around in a perpetual state of empty awareness, 10, 25, 35 years, and teachers sharing their empty "truths" and not awakening anybody, are revealed: the heart has not been opened. This heart is just as wordless and unassailable as still, empty awareness, and just as necessary. Real, absolute, nondual awareness does not exist as one without the other. Now I'm in the process of allowing the ebb and flow of toxic karmic residue (as i call it) to ooze out, and waiting for the resolution of this paradox to come to me. There is no more seeking, trying, or working on anything. Thank God. (Inspired to post this under spiritual teachers also).
"Freejoy," immediately replied: No karma sorry to disappoint you. Haven't you been reading the Master Enigma? (Enigma is a senior member. They have entered hundreds, even thousands of posts).
I wrote back: Freejoy, thanks for your whack! I tried to exalt you for it, because it gives more clarity. Isn't it amazing how we battle each other. Even with a qualifier about my use of the word "karma" - claiming it as just my words, not claiming to be this or that - you completely miss the point and focus on the most mundane aspect of the message. That takes a lot of heart, lol. The clarity that comes from the short time I have been on this sight is now over. It has been useful, and now the time is better invested in other things. Or given in service? Or whatever! Thank God, and you for that. Keep whacking!
He was online, so he replied immediate: Better get out while you can. I think that is why God put me here. I am a puppet for the enlightened people. Some seem to need sex from me to advance their enlighten level. Some need other things. You need a whack.
Someone with a little dry humor who believes they can meet other people's needs, and who chooses words carefully to avoid love, or the Heart. Sure, I needed the whack. It good to have one's vulnerability tested, and to see where to put time and attention, or where not to put it. In that moment, I unravelled an unexpected emotional knot, then felt a wave of compassion for the writer of words that cling severely to negation and arrogance. Next I deleted my account.
Before I deleted it, I left a little post suggesting that the site is cold and sterile, and that it needs more heart. Haha. Whacked you back! The games we play in this illusion.
Still curious, I checked back later, and found this one by "Master Enigma" to Freejoy": I haven't said there is no karma. I've used the term in the same way Joel uses it. What I have said is that it's not a payback for bad deeds.
That's the end of my spiritual gossip about
spiritualteachers.org.I just wrote my last post on the spiritualteachers.org discussion board. The subject heading, "Nice uplifting positive person," is an unusually active thread, and 37 pages long!
I wrote: The teacher who is beyond nice and positive probed me gently with subtle questions, and became a mirror that showed me something I hadn't seen in a while - my heart, and it was full, not empty. We talked about it, the presence of emptiness with fullness, or awareness with love, and it now occurs to me that this love - the love that creates and moves all of life and the universe - is what is missing from so many teachings, and what one (probably) cannot get from books or alone as a seeking self. Now, all of us going around in a perpetual state of empty awareness, 10, 25, 35 years, and teachers sharing their empty "truths" and not awakening anybody, are revealed: the heart has not been opened. This heart is just as wordless and unassailable as still, empty awareness, and just as necessary. Real, absolute, nondual awareness does not exist as one without the other. Now I'm in the process of allowing the ebb and flow of toxic karmic residue (as i call it) to ooze out, and waiting for the resolution of this paradox to come to me. There is no more seeking, trying, or working on anything. Thank God. (Inspired to post this under spiritual teachers also).
"Freejoy," immediately replied: No karma sorry to disappoint you. Haven't you been reading the Master Enigma? (Enigma is a senior member. They have entered hundreds, even thousands of posts).
I wrote back: Freejoy, thanks for your whack! I tried to exalt you for it, because it gives more clarity. Isn't it amazing how we battle each other. Even with a qualifier about my use of the word "karma" - claiming it as just my words, not claiming to be this or that - you completely miss the point and focus on the most mundane aspect of the message. That takes a lot of heart, lol. The clarity that comes from the short time I have been on this sight is now over. It has been useful, and now the time is better invested in other things. Or given in service? Or whatever! Thank God, and you for that. Keep whacking!
He was online, so he replied immediate: Better get out while you can. I think that is why God put me here. I am a puppet for the enlightened people. Some seem to need sex from me to advance their enlighten level. Some need other things. You need a whack.
Someone with a little dry humor who believes they can meet other people's needs, and who chooses words carefully to avoid love, or the Heart. Sure, I needed the whack. It good to have one's vulnerability tested, and to see where to put time and attention, or where not to put it. In that moment, I unravelled an unexpected emotional knot, then felt a wave of compassion for the writer of words that cling severely to negation and arrogance. Next I deleted my account.
Before I deleted it, I left a little post suggesting that the site is cold and sterile, and that it needs more heart. Haha. Whacked you back! The games we play in this illusion.
Still curious, I checked back later, and found this one by "Master Enigma" to Freejoy": I haven't said there is no karma. I've used the term in the same way Joel uses it. What I have said is that it's not a payback for bad deeds.
Feb 18 Leaving the Now,
entering the unknowable
Another strange night of looking at the clock, dreaming, forgetting, and getting out of bed at 630 am with a feeling of being refreshed.
The first thing i notice as i prepare for the day is the lightness in my chest and entire body. I've been in and out of it, yet this is the first time it feels like it won't go away. I jump into a chair, and become still, to see what comes up. I can feel my heart beating, not physically but energetically. It's no different than it has been in the past week, but i'm more aware of it, because it feels like it's not beating alone but with something. I can't put my finger on it, only describe an idea that it is beating in synch with all of life, and the whole universe. It feels crazy to write about it, but I'm really writing it for myself; only Akemi reads it, i'm sure, because she's such a great wife. What if someone else reads this? I've bared more than my soul in these posts. It doesn't even matter. If you read to this point, you must be on the same page with your own experience. You are serving our universe, never fear, find the heart, and don't stop! What's great about saying this is that i know you didn't even need to hear it. You're already doing it.
Something else occurs this morning, when i try to meditate: I don't want to close my eyes because it's as though i will miss something. I often don't close my eyes anyway, making it more difficult to find empty mind, because overcoming difficulty was the idea. But now that's changed. Opening the eyes is the obvious metaphor. How do we awaken? We open our eyes. How do we stay awakened? We keep the eyes open.
Why do we capitalize "I" but not "we"? Shouldn't it be the other way around? I wonder if I'm alone.
I recall Janak's response to my blathering letter about how I was "transforming," and about how grateful I am that he was there. Expecting his typical kind, thoughtful, and enlightened response, he wrote :).
That's all he wrote - just ":)."
Dorothy had no response to a similar letter.
I look and I see that every response or non-response, every whack or loving reply, can pull me deeper. It's all one experience, if I keep the eyes open and really see. I never thought I could fix something with a book, again, but it's not just Adya's book, it's the entire cosmos collaborating to deliver a message that happened to be written on some pages, at the right time and in the right context. Don't you see it? When you look at all of it, everything fits together perfectly. Yet, it's still a work in progress, and even that is perfect. The beauty of it is that I'm no longer the one doing the work. Yes!
My connection with the Great Heart feels like it won't go away because it is suddenly unsupported. When I look, its as though someone has pulled the ground out from under me, and I no longer need it to stay in place. It even feels safe. I don't need reassurance, and my heart doesn't need a shelter for protection. I can even publish my hidden post about Dorothy, hidden because it's too intimate? I get that intimacy is really just another delusion. How can we be intimate, or non-intimate with anything when its all just an endless flow of experience?
Since 2000 I believed I would never half to read another book, and that there was nothing new for me on any written pages. If you want to get to the heart of the 65 pages I've read so far in Adya's The End of Your World, go to page 53 "Common Delusions, Traps, and Points of Fixation." For me its getting stuck in a sense of superiority. That was his problem too, and a problem for many. Why for me? When I look, I see that superiority is the polar opposite of inferiority, and feeling inferior is what has driven me most of my life. When I'm holding onto my "self" as inferior, of course I would cling to whatever idea of superiority comes up. But now seeing that, it cannot get its way. That belief was a way of feeling superiority. Who can judge anyone or anything, once the eyes are wide open? Thanks book.
The sad finders of empty awareness try to negate our experience by proclaiming that the "I" doesn't exist. How can they say that? How can that be, when the i is infinite and all-consuming.
Another strange night of looking at the clock, dreaming, forgetting, and getting out of bed at 630 am with a feeling of being refreshed.
The first thing i notice as i prepare for the day is the lightness in my chest and entire body. I've been in and out of it, yet this is the first time it feels like it won't go away. I jump into a chair, and become still, to see what comes up. I can feel my heart beating, not physically but energetically. It's no different than it has been in the past week, but i'm more aware of it, because it feels like it's not beating alone but with something. I can't put my finger on it, only describe an idea that it is beating in synch with all of life, and the whole universe. It feels crazy to write about it, but I'm really writing it for myself; only Akemi reads it, i'm sure, because she's such a great wife. What if someone else reads this? I've bared more than my soul in these posts. It doesn't even matter. If you read to this point, you must be on the same page with your own experience. You are serving our universe, never fear, find the heart, and don't stop! What's great about saying this is that i know you didn't even need to hear it. You're already doing it.
Something else occurs this morning, when i try to meditate: I don't want to close my eyes because it's as though i will miss something. I often don't close my eyes anyway, making it more difficult to find empty mind, because overcoming difficulty was the idea. But now that's changed. Opening the eyes is the obvious metaphor. How do we awaken? We open our eyes. How do we stay awakened? We keep the eyes open.
Why do we capitalize "I" but not "we"? Shouldn't it be the other way around? I wonder if I'm alone.
I recall Janak's response to my blathering letter about how I was "transforming," and about how grateful I am that he was there. Expecting his typical kind, thoughtful, and enlightened response, he wrote :).
That's all he wrote - just ":)."
Dorothy had no response to a similar letter.
I look and I see that every response or non-response, every whack or loving reply, can pull me deeper. It's all one experience, if I keep the eyes open and really see. I never thought I could fix something with a book, again, but it's not just Adya's book, it's the entire cosmos collaborating to deliver a message that happened to be written on some pages, at the right time and in the right context. Don't you see it? When you look at all of it, everything fits together perfectly. Yet, it's still a work in progress, and even that is perfect. The beauty of it is that I'm no longer the one doing the work. Yes!
My connection with the Great Heart feels like it won't go away because it is suddenly unsupported. When I look, its as though someone has pulled the ground out from under me, and I no longer need it to stay in place. It even feels safe. I don't need reassurance, and my heart doesn't need a shelter for protection. I can even publish my hidden post about Dorothy, hidden because it's too intimate? I get that intimacy is really just another delusion. How can we be intimate, or non-intimate with anything when its all just an endless flow of experience?
Since 2000 I believed I would never half to read another book, and that there was nothing new for me on any written pages. If you want to get to the heart of the 65 pages I've read so far in Adya's The End of Your World, go to page 53 "Common Delusions, Traps, and Points of Fixation." For me its getting stuck in a sense of superiority. That was his problem too, and a problem for many. Why for me? When I look, I see that superiority is the polar opposite of inferiority, and feeling inferior is what has driven me most of my life. When I'm holding onto my "self" as inferior, of course I would cling to whatever idea of superiority comes up. But now seeing that, it cannot get its way. That belief was a way of feeling superiority. Who can judge anyone or anything, once the eyes are wide open? Thanks book.
The sad finders of empty awareness try to negate our experience by proclaiming that the "I" doesn't exist. How can they say that? How can that be, when the i is infinite and all-consuming.
No comments:
Post a Comment