and had a deja vu. I had been there before in 2001, when Shantimayi made her tour through California. I brought my parents to that satsang to meet her, and she greeted them warmly. Dad was touched to tears, but Mom didn't find anything special, the opposite of what I expected. Now I was coming to see the first teacher to touch my heart since Shantimayi pierced it fourteen years ago. For seven hours, 60 of us glowed in the light of two realized persons. She had a partner who was a man easily rooted in the direct experience of reality. The two of them presented exercises and discussions that were spontaneous yet structured, encouraging questions and comments. It was unlike anything I had experienced before; spiritual teaching has evolved! Everyone had a chance to share, to be intimate, and vulnerable. The toxic residue from yesterday fell away from me, and warm heart filled the room and my emptiness.
She spoke of some "seekers" who have reached that place that is empty, are at peace, and yet not fully awakened - they are stuck. I know the type from my travel to India and being in several sanghas; people like that are sometimes said to be "blissed out," and it can go on for many years. Today I saw why they're stuck - they haven't opened to the great heart. This heart is so grounding that it could be the secret to integrating the experience of pure awareness beyond words. It all makes sense, but most difficult for me is that I can't analyze it. It's beyond the grasp of the mind. Is it the bridge that crosses the chasm to realization?
When it was over I helped stack chairs and store them away. She had brought tea for everyone, carried her own books and flyers, and I brought them in boxes down the stairs to put them into her car. People who had known her for a long time came by to thank her and say goodbye, until next time. I asked her if I could see her again next week.I really didn't know that my heart had been closed until I met her two days ago. Not closed to the personal love for my wife, or even my family, but to love for all things, including myself. Now I realize this is where my attention must go, because that is what I lost before. My mind is finished, and it is useless to go deeper into it. I can easily learn how to better express the words, but I need the teacher to show me how to keep my heart open. That is what will deepen me beyond the mind-illusion, and merge me with the infinite potential of the present moment.
The days and weeks are quickening. Going from brainstorming with teachers that are as different as night and day, to prostrating on the sofa to shake off demons, to having my heart pried open. It feels as though everything is orchestrated, taking me deeper and deeper into the unknown.
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