Satsang 102

Satsang with Adyashanti yesterday wasn't what I expected. In one way it was like going to a rock concert and finding that the band doesn't sound as good as the album.
In another way, it was a step up along a stairway I've constructed in my mind. Stairway to what? I think I know that, but it's really an unknown. Yet I keep falling back on this notion - I'm not here for myself I'm here for them, and how can I contribute so there will be maximum impact on humanity? It's the same thought pattern I had at the beginning of my year of volunteering for health care reform. Is it an attachment that still needs letting go, or a cosmic seed that I need to let blossom? If its a delusion, then part of it is the self-assertion that I need to "get out of my own way" and just let it happen as it will. Which is it? Let go, or let happen? There must be a difference.
Akemi and I arrived early at the San Rafael Community Center, and helped set up chairs and do parking control. He gave a 1 hour talk, then there was only time for 3 to take the mike, because they got over 15 minutes each, so my raised hand was passed over. He investigated their stuff with them - emotional processing, some stories about non-abiding awakenings, some shares about unitive experiences, and an "I don't know why I'm standing here." Adya replied "I don't know why you're standing there either. I don't know why I'm up here." The audience released some quiet tension through laughter. A lot of heart, I kept thinking, but lack of wisdom, even the wisdom in his book The End of Your World. Over 300 showed, and with the volunteer work our door to door time was 6 hours. Was it worth it? We had nothing else to do says Akemi. It should be worth it, I mused, because he wrote this fantastic book and I must see him in person.The heart is good at satsang with Adya, and during the meditation I felt the deep flow between heart and earth, very grounding and lovely. But I feel the heart all the time now. Did I need to be here for that? What can I get from this satsang other than this writing?
It is okay. I used the atmosphere to reframe and reframe my question. I knew at the end that my original query would be futile for getting the best response. As Akemi said, what if he took the question and played it around, leading me to look at this and that? She's right. I need a question that speaks for itself, and is sharp as a knife. One that will bring a clear and direct answer. That is how satsang with Adya became another step up into the mystery of deepening.
The question to be asked now is something like:
I'll give the  question first, and then some background.
How can I explore and investigate the language of spirituality and awakening on the very deepest level, and use that for service to humanity?
I'd like to say three things to support my question. First, I experienced a shift from seeing thoughts, feelings, and objects as dominating my awareness, to not dominating my awareness. Then for a while, empty mind dominated, and then came heart fullness. Now, nothing dominates my awareness. Next, I've been going to many teachings, and reading many things, and I am not finding the level of depth that fills my capacity. And next, this is not a process that I have control over. I only need to stay out of my own way. I guess a fourth thing is that this is driven by the heart, not my personal heart but what I call the Great Heart that gives rise to everything, this entire illusion, and the only thing that moves me is pure love.
What sort of responses will this bring? Referral to deeper masters? An offer to collaborate? Toying with the question? Rebuttal? A direct answer that is useful? None of the above?
Having had the ground pulled out from under me, feeling completely safe, there is no for a teacher, a sangha, a book. All of the needs come from the present moment. Yet, the flow and energy from deepest heart moves me to connect.