I'm thinking more about the desire for awakening. It's also one of the fears that's holding me back, because nothing in the universe will be able to stop it.
I wonder if I need to rearrange my life before I can allow it, but I'm not sure what that will look like. When it happened in the past, my life was simpler, because when you're coming from the bottom there is nothing to lose.
I was awake half the night. Early this morning, getting out of bed as usual, expecting by now to be dragging, I feel refreshed. It reminds me of times in the past when I would be consciously aware of myself sleeping and dreaming.
Yesterday I sent an email to Shantimayi who gave me the first and most powerful transmission, asking if we could have an exchange about the return of this desire. Gangaji will be in Marin on April 10, and I will try my best to talk to her directly. The teacher of the weekly meditation class (Garett Engle)offered for me to see one of his friends who he says is enlightened. He reads her poetry in class sometimes, and the words inspiring, precise, and simple.
It's tempting to use Hindi and Sanskrit words, because most of the people who go on the path of deepening like them, and I've heard them so much that they come to mind when I talk about it. But why should we need a foreign language to bring us closer to the truth?